I feel a little bit like a whirling tornado writing this. Just last week, we moved across the country for the second time since we said ‘”I do” just 8 months ago. And to be honest, I've felt more like a boiling bucket just trying not to bubble over than I've felt like a human.

But I have bubbled over. I have cried. I have left all my clothes unpacked, thrown my hands up in surrender, and flopped on the bed. I have said those wretched words…”I hate this!”

Okay, maybe I don't really hate it. I don't hate really moving. Change of any kind is exhausting but it's also sanctifying. And maybe what I hate is my stubborn soul's resistance to sanctification sometimes. Maybe that resistance to the uncertainty that big steps of faith bring is really the thing that knocks me on my back.

Matt and I moved from Arizona (his home state) to Indiana (my home state) just over a week ago. The night before we left, we drove down an open road with the windows down, not saying anything but simply holding hands–both of us felt it coming. As we turned the corner, the sky lit up…orange, pink, red and yellow. The mountains turned purple.

“Look,” I hear him say as he peeks through the rearview mirror. I whip my head around just in time to see the sun slowly slip below the horizon.

“Well, the sun has set on our Arizona adventure, Babe.” I say, feeling like my heart had just taken a giant sip of bittersweet coffee.

Change is kind of like that–exciting and depressing all at once. We knew the move out West was temporary. But that final sunset reminded me just how quickly time flies, how months are more like moments and even when you make the most of them, you'll miss em.

The moment our flight touched down in Indianapolis, I felt my heart stop at a fork in the road and it's like it tried to go both directions. In a sense, I was back home. And I was excited. In another sense, I felt further from home than I had in awhile…Arizona and all it's cactus glory had become a home away from home. We still hadn't figured out our living plans for settling in Indiana. All we knew is Matt had work here but 80% of the plans were nonexistent. We just kind of…moved. Not exactly the cup of tea a planner like this girls jives well with. 😉

We checked into our temporary rental and that's when the flood washed over me. I'd been fighting to block out every fear and worry another change would bring for several days. As we packed, as we said goodbye to new friends, and even as we traveled, I held it together. But when I dropped by bags on new soil, it all became real. I would miss the morning sunshine peeking over the mountains, shining through the French doors of our tiny Southwest living room. I would miss driving over to my in-laws, just to lay on the floor with my Mother-in-law and talk. I would miss the coffee shops I'd spend far too many hours in. I'd miss people like Rosie, an elderly woman we gave a ride home to when she missed her bus downtown. I'd miss our church, all our little favorite places, and spontaneous adventures to California and Utah. And I'd REALLY miss my beloved In-N-Out Burger. 😉

Though I was thrilled to be closer to my family, reconnect with old friends, and   to settle down, I'd miss all that we left behind. And I hated the feeling of having to start over for the third time…unsure of where to even start this time.

The exhaustion and the weight of worry hit me that first night back on Indiana soil. I hadn't even untied my shoelaces but somehow my heart laces had come undone without my permission. But I just let it come anyway…the tears, the worries, the fear and every feeling in between.

Maybe you've been there or maybe you're right in the middle of it–in the thick fog of change or uncertainty. Maybe you've had to completely start over and rebuild from the ground up.  Maybe deep in your soul you know it's right but tears still gather in the corners of your heart. Maybe you're aching and celebrating all at once and not so sure what it all means. Maybe the most healing thing is just letting ourselves feel it instead of fighting it.

My husband wrapped his arms around me. He knew all that was bottled up inside those tears. He knew what my heart said without words passing through my lips. He knew the longing I had just to feel HOME…to feel steady, sure, and secure.

Because I think he felt it too. And he whispered, “I know we don't really have a home right now. But we do, we really do. Home is being together, and together can be anywhere.”

Together is home. Together can be anywhere. Home can be anywhere.

Wow, my heart needed that gentle reminder. And maybe yours does, too. Because although I still haven't totally settled in, although I'm not sure exactly what next week looks like for us, I'm sure there's something more to this moving thing than just boxes and exhaustion. There's a glory that can only be revealed in change. There's a heavenly presence in it that reminds me that ‘home' is not boards and beams held together by nails in the shape of a house. ‘Home' is more like boards and beams shaped like a cross.

Love is a shelter, a safe place that moves with us. God is a refuge unconfined to one place or space. Change and deep uncertainty beg us to live THERE–in love. And maybe we need to make more space for that. Maybe we need to clear a path through the boxes cluttering the home of our heart. Because Love Himself the only unchanging thing .

Change dares us to cling to the Unchanging.

Change dares us to cling to the unchanging. Click To Tweet

So, as I walk through this season of change, as I unpack for the third time this year, I hope I can walk alongside of you and remind you that you're really not alone.

I'm learning to shed my dependence on the ever changing, temporary homes we pass through and seek refuge from on this earth and instead to depend only on what's unchanging. It's hard. I'm not sure I'm doing it right and some moments I still cry. But my marriage will be better for it. My experience of God's tangible presence will be better for it. My hope for my real home will grow because of it.

Home really is where the heart is. Home IS the heart. And I want my heart to be a place that welcomes God's moves over fighting change. I want my heart heart in the hands of God and I want my heart to live committed to my husband's heart. Because my heart is home there–in love.

And so it is with you.

So, yeah, we've been moved around a lot but I've also been melted and moved by the power of it, too. Maybe that's what it's all about in the end. Maybe we have to experience change on the outside so we can be changed from the inside.

Maybe we have to experience change on the outside so we can be changed from the inside. Click To Tweet

Maybe change isn't so scary after all.

Xo,

Jordan Lee

Jordan Lee

Author: Jordan Lee

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

17 thoughts on “Our Second Move Across the Country Before Our First Anniversary

  1. I NEEDED this! Transitions can be so hard! But God is faithful. Thanks for sharing Jordan. 💜

    Posted on May 24, 2017 at 10:22 pm
    1. Jordan Lee

      Thank you so much for reading! XO

      Posted on May 24, 2017 at 10:41 pm
  2. I feel you! My husband and I are moving to Indiana from NC, which isn’t quite as far but after only two years of marriage and three moves- we too are exhausted. Prayers for you guys ❤ Hebrews 12 😊

    Posted on May 24, 2017 at 11:35 pm
    1. Jordan Lee

      Thanks, friend! Praying for your move as well! Consider this an early welcome to the Hoosier state 😉

      Posted on May 24, 2017 at 11:38 pm
  3. Thanks for this! I am in a season of transition as well, several moves in the next few months. It was comforting to read your heart and know I’m not alone!

    Posted on May 24, 2017 at 11:39 pm
  4. I loved this! I moved away from my hometown of Phoenix recently and have been asking the question of where’s “home”. This read was what I needed!

    Posted on May 25, 2017 at 12:01 am
  5. This really is so good Jordan. Thanks for being brave to tell people like me that life’s not perfect but it’s beautiful. You have inspired me this year to chase after some changes of my own! You’re pure gold. 💕

    Posted on May 25, 2017 at 1:19 am
  6. I literally just went through this last month! In march, our apartment flooded and found out it was going to have to be gutted and we had no choice but to move. (Side note this is happening just under a year of uprooting everything in nashville to move to Atl to pursue film things.) We were placed in a model unit at our complex for a month while we looked for a new place. Moving sucks to begin with but when it is abrupt and out of your control it is in a way, devastating. While looking for a place between my full time job (the BRAND NEW full time job I got after a transition with work and exiting a company and what I thought was my “transitional ” season ) and side jobs and trying to budget a move with the non- existant savings I had and on a very short timeline , I had to really learn to let God
    provide for me when “my” Means weren’t enough. Ive always said there is such a beautiful rare side of God that can be seen in these “transitional” times. I believe its a side of him we arent supposed to see all the time, because if we did we wouldnt know to look for it in the uncomfortable changes. I got very upset and discouraged at times. I STILL get that way, its only been a month .But we did it! This place is even better than we had before and really has become a blessing. Even though im in denial and can’t even phathom the past two months and refuse to unpack! Haha
    Also, just a quick note on how God is the provider- I was stressing about the financial part of moving . So I wrote down all the things that I would have to pay for , security deposits , new electric and water , transferring internet rent etc. (I make lists when Im stressed) The Holy Spirit prompted me to take the list I wrote and literally lay hands on it and pray over the worries I had. I did. I kid you not the next day when we applied for the apartment , the security deposit was waved and our pro-rated rent cut in half AND my dad called me and told me he really wanted to pay for a moving company to move me! Essentially every on my list was taken care of within a few days!

    Posted on May 25, 2017 at 1:59 am
  7. Yesss. This this this. I’m currently stuck in that in between of living in one state for school and another with my family for breaks and neither really feeling like home. And I love (and needed) the reminder that our physical changes can lead to greater changes on the inside. Praying for you and Matt as you settle in. 🙂

    Posted on May 25, 2017 at 3:27 am
  8. Oh soooooo with you on this!!!! This Southern gal married to her high school sweetheart for 40 years is fixin’ to head back over ‘the pond’. We have lived in and loved Saudi Arabia for the last 16 years. It is now time for us to leave a place that we have grown to love, yes, even with all it’s differences from our US culture. We have made friends that are family, and although we won’t lose touch, deep down I know that things will never be the same. So yes, change is ahead of us on many fronts . . . ending our first and probably only overseas living adventure, beginning another chapter in life called ‘retirement’, and like you, having no idea exactly where we will live or what we will be doing (work wise hopefully). We keep on saying, “God only knows”, which is the truth.

    Posted on May 25, 2017 at 11:10 am
  9. Thinking of you! As a 24-year old graduate student trying to find her purpose/home/way in this crazy world, so much of my heart connected with the feelings you’ve shared! Thank you for being vulnerable, normalizing these feelings, and illuminating some of the darkness many of us at this age feel with your light!

    XOXO

    PS-If you ever find yourself in Btown, you should totally host a meet up. Go Hoosiers. 🙂

    Posted on May 25, 2017 at 12:16 pm
  10. Jordan! 🙂 My husband and I moved from Cleveland, Ohio to Atlanta, Georgia back to Cleveland, Ohio within our first year of marriage too. SO many emotions over how to set up camp in these places, settle, and settle well. Together really IS home. You’ve captured my feelings so well on this same experience! Thank you for that 🙂

    Posted on May 25, 2017 at 5:25 pm
  11. I absolutely loved this and needed it! Thank you for sharing!

    Posted on May 25, 2017 at 7:56 pm
  12. Jordan. You know you’re my girl. May or may not have let some tears slip out as I read this – for your beautiful words filled with truth, for you heart as you remember what God is doing through change, and for the ways this hit home with me. Thank you for being you, genuinely and unabashadely. Keep throwing your hair up in a messy bun and doing Kingdom work.

    Posted on May 25, 2017 at 2:38 am
  13. as I sit in the midst of change this week these words were needed. The person I hoped would be my person moved this week… We had to break up. It hurts and left me questioning the point of it all. Why am I in pain? Why am I restarting again? As you said it is a daily practice of trusting in Him and im not perfect at it, but I am trying. I’m so thankful for your words this morning.

    Posted on May 25, 2017 at 10:38 am
  14. Jordan, this was SO needed for me. I’m moving to Charlotte, NC in July from AUSTRALIA and i’m getting kinda nervous. It’s the biggest thing i’ve ever done in my life. I still live at home, so i’ll be moving out for the first time – on the other side of the world!! i don’t really know anyone there so i’m completely alone – i had one friend but i’m not sure if they’re going to be as helpful as they said they’d be. on top of all that my family is majorly stressing out. like, totally living in fear of what might happen to me while i’m there. I’m fully trusting in the Lord, but yeah, i’m nervous too. i guess taking this step of faith will grow me, change me and lead me to a new purpose in my life 🙂 thank you for this and please pray for me! haha <3

    Posted on May 29, 2017 at 8:24 am