If He Wasn't Good for Me, Why Can't I Get Over Him? Christian Dating and Break Up Advice

Breakups are hard…even the ones that we know are literally the best thing for us.

And as we fight like hell to move on, we come upon the golden question…

“I know he was bad for me, so why do I still feel so deeply for him? Why do I still love him? I thought once I got back on track with the Lord, I wouldn’t desire him anymore…but the feelings just continue to increase-growing stronger and stronger.How long will I fight these feelings? I left him in the past, but he is still present in my heart.”

Wouldn't it be nice if when we finally took a step to free ourselves from something that wasn't good for us (aka, an unhealthy relationship) that we actually felt FREE?

I think that when we break off a relationship, walk away from something thrilling but damaging, and start on a new path, we feel the loss of companionship and hope that the pang of loneliness doesn't trap us…and that we escape it's grasp and run into the arms of the RIGHT guy, the NEW life, and the FREEDOM of moving on.

I mean, that's how we want it to go, right?

End bad relationship? Check!

Heal from pain of the breakup? Check!

Learn my lesson and grow in my faith? Double Check!

Never think about the ex? Check!

Meet the RIGHT guy? Check!

Live happily ever after? YES PLEASE.

But sometimes…most times…it doesn't really go in that perfect little order and instead our hearts fight this dragon that has us in his grasp, breathing the pain of loss and loneliness down our neck.

So there we are, confused and alone in a dark cave like, “HI, WHY AM I STILL SITTING IN THIS CAVE WITH THIS DANG DRAGON?”

You know, I wish I could point to a date on a calendar and say, “look, if you can hold on a little longer and make it to here, you'll never struggle with this again. The dragon will stop breathing his firey breath on you and you won't feel the pain of loneliness or heartbreak again. Ever. You'll never even think about it.”

Unfortunately I can't do that for two reasons:

  1. I don't have a calendar and I can't see into the future.
  2. I don't know your heart or what God is doing in it.

But I do know one thing.

Your pain is normal and your feelings are valid. It's a beautiful thing that you are taking steps out of a relationship that may not have been quite right and stepping into one with Jesus. And it's a bazillion percent true that He alone can satisfy you.

BUT, He didn't say that you wouldn't experience pain…in fact, He said you would have trouble in this life. In fact, He said that you WOULD have pain in this life. But that you can fight it bravely because He has overcome the worst of the worst in the world — EVEN heartbreak like yours (John 16:33).

While you're still sitting in that cave, while your heart is still mending and trying to move on and out of the cave, you may be thinking of Jesus more like a bucket of water than a Knight in Shining Armor. Perhaps you've turned Him into a treatment to ease the pain instead of the cure that ends it.

When the pang of loneliness breaths its firey breath on you, are you trying to dump water on it to diffuse it temporarily?  Or are you letting Him fight the dragon for you — to the death?Are you turning to Jesus to be a bandaid over the wound? Or are you letting Him actually cure the pain?

Letting Jesus overcome the world of pain we face requires a total surrender of our sword…of our desire to fix it ourselves and have it comfort us in the process. He's not just a teddy bear to squeeze. He's a powerhouse and we have the invitation to step into that power…but it costs us something…it costs us our own strength, power, and trust in ourselves that we once had.

Because the old way of life and the past will always try to burn us and remind us of its existence because it wants us to live there…especially if there was a thrill to it. Old habits, old flames, old love. But when Jesus is your Knight, your cure, and your King…then you are a new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17).

So I guess I just want to tell you that although I can't give you the perfect answer or a date where you will move on and conquer the dragon in your heart once and for all, I can tell you have a Knight in Shining armor who says:


Think big picture – think conquering dragons not just dowsing the flame.

Because you DO deserve a man who would die fighting for you. And you do have that man who proved He would die for you, 2000 years ago, on a cross.

And He conquered more than the dragon's fire-y breath. He conquered the fires of hell.

PS. If loneliness is overwhelming you, check out my new 10 day ebook devotional, LONELY.

Jordan Lee

Author: Jordan Lee

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12 thoughts on “If He Wasn’t Good for Me, Why Can’t I Get Over Him?

  1. You always post exactly what I need to hear. Fresh out of an ended relationship, holding back tears at work, and seeing that you posted this today, God’s timing is all that can explain it. Thank you for always being so open and real Jordan.

    Posted on December 16, 2016 at 12:53 pm
  2. SO what I needed right now, incredibly encouraging! thank you!!

    Posted on December 16, 2016 at 3:13 pm
  3. Loved this!! I feel like it can be similar with friendship breakups. Not completely the same, but still pretty hard to get over. Whatever it is God has it figured out!

    Posted on December 16, 2016 at 4:09 pm
  4. I wanted to SCREAM reading this article because every sentence is unbelievably accurate to where I am this very day. And here I thought I was the only one! I recently broke up with a man I love so deeply only because I felt God calling me out of the relationship. “Thrilling” and “damaging” describe our relationship best. In ways I feel as if I have stupidly lost the best thing in my life.

    This article succinctly puts into words what I believe is my only hope: to lay down my control, to clothe myself in Jesus, and to switch my focus on rediscovering Him. No matter how hopeless I feel.

    Thank you for helping us all forward, Jordan. As always. 🙂

    Posted on December 16, 2016 at 6:00 pm
  5. Hola! I’ve been reading your weblog for a while now and finally got the bravery to go ahead and
    give you a shout out from Huffman Tx! Just wanted to tell you keep up the good job!

    Posted on December 19, 2016 at 11:39 am
  6. This post speaks to my life right now. I needed to read this, thank you!

    Posted on February 25, 2017 at 2:18 pm
    1. Jordan Lee

      Thank you for reading! So glad to hear it encouraged you!

      Posted on February 26, 2017 at 7:23 pm
  7. Thank you so much for this! Just what I needed to hear today.

    Posted on March 3, 2017 at 9:17 am
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    Posted on April 2, 2017 at 3:34 pm
  9. Thank you so much. Exactly what I needed to hear. And so encouraging!!!!

    Posted on April 4, 2017 at 7:09 pm
  10. Thank you Jordan plz even let me get ur number if u r okat with that coz I m in the middle of confusion but ur words remained me ma mami …we r far now ( like ma family in home country) and I m out side …..in email let keep in touch..
    Thank u do much

    Posted on July 2, 2017 at 12:34 pm